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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29091984">air conditioned, love unconditional</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fractalgeometry/pseuds/fractalgeometry'>fractalgeometry</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>(A/C)²: the ceiling fan AU [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman &amp; Terry Pratchett</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Appliances, Alternate Universe - Inanimate Objects, Asexual Aziraphale (Good Omens), Asexual Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale is a ceiling fan, Banter, Crack, Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley is an air conditioner, Fluff, Hugs, Light Angst, Other, Slow Burn, Telepathy, a whole five seconds of it, as they do in any universe, soft crack, yes they’re appliances but I’m tagging it anyway bc me</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 11:22:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,876</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29091984</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fractalgeometry/pseuds/fractalgeometry</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Aziraphale has been the sole ceiling fan cooling the living room for a century. He’s seen it all, and he loves it all. So when a new hotshot (coldshot?) box calling himself an “air conditioner” shows up, Aziraphale isn’t sure what to make of the change. </p>
<p>It doesn’t take long for him to decide that having a friend is nice. It’s only a little longer until he’s wondering how he avoided boredom for all the decades past. It’s good to have a partner in cooling.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Aziraphale &amp; Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>(A/C)²: the ceiling fan AU [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2134425</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>179</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>120</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Blade 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nenchen/gifts">Nenchen</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/LTRisBACK/gifts">LTRisBACK</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is the result of a discussion on discord that, after going through many wild ideas, finally settled on the concept of a universe where Aziraphale is a ceiling fan and Crowley is an air conditioner. It is the type of discussion that usually fades into the ether afterwards, but I decided no, I wanted to try to write it. At the time, I didn’t expect to get an actual story out of it. Now it’s four chapters long, plus a small epilogue, and there are so many more ideas to be had in this universe I don’t even know where to go next.</p>
<p>I can’t post this story without mentioning Nen and Shez, to whom this fic is gifted and without whom I <i>wouldn’t</i> have gotten an actual story out of this. They’ve been incredibly encouraging throughout every step of this writing, and indeed many of the scenes (and even storylines) grew from ideas that they suggested. This fic is truly a product of our collective creative wackiness, and I’m so grateful to have made this with them. It’s been so much fun. </p>
<p>And of course, thank you to my amazing, wonderful beta, whose excitement fuels mine and whose edits make my work even better.</p>
<p>So here you go. Ceiling fan AU.</p>
<p>(also Nen made a fabulous header image for this story, which you can see below.)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p><br/>
 </p>
</div><p>
  <span>The living room had smelled of sawdust when Aziraphale first entered it, slung over the shoulder of the room’s first inhabitant. Adam Old, that man had been called. The first thing Aziraphale had ever done was blow away the remains of that sawdust, cooling the people below as he did. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Adam Old had been proud of the house, and the family who lived with him in it. After his death his daughter had inherited the house, and then her son. Over time the old shutters were ripped off, the walls repainted. Aziraphale stayed through it all, faithfully cooling Adam Old’s descendants, summer after hot summer. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Adam Old’s great-great granddaughter Mina lived in the house with her family, Aziraphale began to hear the first complaints about his performance. Oh, they didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>say</span>
  </em>
  <span> it was about him, of course, that would have been rude. Yet first the children, and then the adults began to make subtle digs about the temperature in the summer. Aziraphale was affronted. It wasn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>his</span>
  </em>
  <span> fault that summers were so much warmer now. Still, he loved the family, so he made sure to put good effort into his air circulation.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It wasn’t enough. Early the next summer, several strange humans showed up and began making rather a lot of noise, both inside and outside the house. Aziraphale watched in bafflement — and growing alarm — as they brought in a large black object and fastened it to the wall. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After the strange humans left, the family assembled in the living room as Mina picked up a small rectangular object and pointed it at the black box. There was a </span>
  <em>
    <span>beep,</span>
  </em>
  <span> and the box began to make a </span>
  <em>
    <span>whsssssh</span>
  </em>
  <span> noise. After another moment, it started emitting cool air. The family cheered and danced around. Aziraphale, blades still, power off, watched them with a sinking feeling. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The humans lost interest quickly, going back to their regular pursuits of chasing each other, sitting on the furniture, and reading books. Aziraphale, feeling somewhat forgotten, continued to watch the black box. Finally, deciding it was better to be overly polite than the alternative, he decided he might as well speak first.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Hello, newcomer.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The box’s airflow stuttered briefly. Then, to Aziraphale’s considerable relief — he hadn’t known if it was the sort that would understand him — it said, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hi.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale couldn’t help spinning his blades just a little bit to the side in delight. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh, you can hear me! Wonderful! I’m Aziraphale.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Crowley,</span>
  </em>
  <span> the box said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Anthony Crowley. AC. Whatever.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Crowley,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said happily. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s lovely to meet you.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That night, after the humans had left for the beds, leaving both Aziraphale and Crowley switched off, Aziraphale asked tentatively, </span>
  <em>
    <span>What are you, exactly?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said with no small pride, </span>
  <em>
    <span>am a split air conditioner.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Pardon?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale had never heard those words used in that particular configuration before. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I take in air from the outside and cool it before sending it in here.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale felt his mood drop abruptly. That was so much more useful than just pushing air around willy-nilly. How long until he was truly obsolete and the humans got rid of him?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>What are you?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale had never considered that Crowley might not know what a ceiling fan was. It was the most obvious thing in the world. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m a ceiling fan. I circulate air through the room so that it feels cooler.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You don’t cool your own air?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley sounded mildly shocked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>No,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said, a little defensively. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’ll have you know I’ve been cooling this room for nearly a hundred years, and I don’t appreciate-</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Hey, no, I’m not going after your efficiency,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley interrupted. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Just surprised.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You can be surprised a little more quietly, then,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale snapped. He wished he could turn his back on the air conditioner, like he’d seen the children do when they were angry with one another, but he was just as securely bolted to the ceiling as he always had been. He settled for maintaining an icy silence.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He couldn’t help but feel like a silence from Crowley would have been icier.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The next few days only served to push Aziraphale further into his dark mood. The humans ran the new air conditioner almost constantly, and Aziraphale wasn’t even turned on once. A few more days and he would start gathering dust. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He couldn’t bring himself to talk to Crowley. It wasn’t fair, he knew. It wasn’t Crowley’s fault that the humans liked him best. All the same, Aziraphale spent most of his time in silence. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>On the fourth day after Crowley’s arrival, one of the humans pulled the tartan-highlighted chain to turn Aziraphale on. Aziraphale could only look on in pleased astonishment as he started to spin, the beginnings of dust that had begun to settle on his blades flying away in the wind. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The fan will push more of the cool air around,” he heard the human tell one of the others. “It’ll be even better that way!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>We can work together,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said wonderingly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>The humans figured it out.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Awfully clever, aren’t they?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale blew cool air at his humans, pleased. </span>
  <em>
    <span>They really are.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He hesitated. </span>
  <em>
    <span>How are you liking it here so far?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh, very interesting,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>They do so many things in here. Did I see one of the small ones sit on one of the other small ones yesterday?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Probably,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said. He hadn’t been watching, but it was the kind of thing they would do.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Why?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale pondered this. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I think they like it. Maybe it makes them stronger.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Do humans want to be stronger?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>A lot of them do,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said, pleased to have his long experience being put to use. </span>
  <em>
    <span>That way they can lift bigger things.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley was silent for several minutes, apparently digesting this. Finally he said, </span>
  <em>
    <span>You’ve been here for a hundred years? How long is that?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>A very long time,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said seriously. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Longer than these humans, or the humans that came before them, or the ones before them.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Wow.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley sounded grudgingly impressed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I used to be at an appliance store.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale was momentarily stumped. He wasn’t quite ready to give up his newfound advantage of knowledge over the new air conditioner, but he also found himself rather deathly curious as to what an “appliance store” was. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Curiosity won out. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What’s an appliance store?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s a big place filled with air conditioners,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said proudly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>All kinds. Big and small and different colors. Most of them are white. I think that’s boring. I like my color scheme.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I like your color scheme too,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said before he could think better of it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley gave a pleased </span>
  <em>
    <span>whrrr </span>
  </em>
  <span>and said, almost shyly, </span>
  <em>
    <span>I like yours.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But I’m just plain old wood. Not shiny like you.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You </span>
  </em>
  <span>are</span>
  <em>
    <span> shiny,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley protested. </span>
  <em>
    <span>The wood glows, almost.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale didn’t know what to say to that, but he spun a little faster for a minute. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After that day, Aziraphale and Crowley were usually switched on in tandem, and Aziraphale quickly gave up on his initial frigidity towards the air conditioner. It was nice to have someone to share the work with, and the lack of complaints about the heat did wonders for one’s mood. Sometimes he remembered that without Crowley the complaints would still be running rampant and felt inadequate all over again, but it was hard for the feeling to stick with a friend right there to talk to. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale had never had a friend. He had had brief conversations with television remotes and on one memorable occasion, a toaster, but they were always moving on, and they’d never had much to talk about in the first place. Now that he had Crowley, he was finding that he quite liked it. They talked day in and day out, whether they were turned on or not. It wasn’t long until Aziraphale knew all of Crowley’s backstory, from the factory to Mina’s house. Aziraphale took longer telling his, mostly because there was more to tell. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley was fascinated by the idea that the walls used to be a different color. </span>
  <em>
    <span>They can change that?</span>
  </em>
  <span> he asked. Then, a little nervously, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Can they change my color?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Probably,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said honestly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>But they’ve never changed mine, so I don’t see why they’d start with either of us now.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>On a different occasion, Aziraphale had managed to swing his snazzy tartan pull-chain into Crowley’s view to show it off. The air conditioner had laughed so hard that Aziraphale would have been offended if it had been a few weeks earlier. As it was, he demanded to know what was so funny.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s just,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said, still sounding far too amused, </span>
  <em>
    <span>that even </span>
  </em>
  <span>I</span>
  <em>
    <span> know that’s not stylish. Hilariously un-stylish.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Well, I think it looks excellent,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said tartly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s the only bit of decoration I’ve ever gotten to keep, anyhow.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley stopped laughing. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Do you get decorated often?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>From time to time,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Usually by the children. The parents take it off, after.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Crowley was silent for a minute. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Do you think they’ll decorate me?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Quite probably,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>They do love to be set loose with paper and tape.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Tape is sticky, isn’t it?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Very.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t want sticky things on me.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale had no good response to that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Aziraphale,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said one day, urgently. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m getting an influx of information. What’s happening?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It probably has something to do with what they were just doing to your button pad,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What does it feel like?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Crowley spoke again, his voice was wondering. </span>
  <em>
    <span>There’s a whole world out there. It’s huge, Aziraphale. There’s so many things to know.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>What?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale asked. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I mean, yes, there is. I’ve heard the humans talk about it. I can tell you some of the things I-</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>No,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley interrupted. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I mean, yes, tell me, but later. This isn’t just things I’ve heard the humans talk about. I can find anything now!</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>How is that possible?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale demanded. </span>
  <em>
    <span>We’re just appliances.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nicky?” one of the humans called. “Have you got the smart air conditioner being smart yet?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I take offense to that,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley commented absently. He sounded like he was focusing on something that wasn’t entirely in the room. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Smart air conditioner?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale asked at the same time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I think so,” Nicky responded. “Try turning it on from the app.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said suddenly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>That feels strange.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>What is it?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>They just powered me on, but they didn’t use the remote. It has something to do with…</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Crowley?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale called after a moment.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was no answer. He tried again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Still no answer.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley whirred and blew cool air just like normal, but try as Aziraphale might, he didn’t respond.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hours passed, and the humans turned the air conditioner off and went to bed before Crowley spoke again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>That was so cool.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Are you all right?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale cried urgently.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Huh? Yeah, I’m fine. Why is it dark? What happened?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Anthony Crowley!</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale scolded with all the force he could muster. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t you </span>
  </em>
  <span>dare</span>
  <em>
    <span> worry me like that again!</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Like what?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said fiercely, </span>
  <em>
    <span>have been silent for hours. What were you thinking?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I was what?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley asked. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I just went exploring; there’s so much stuff out there, Aziraphale. I found this thing called Twitter. The humans are really funny on there. And-</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Crowley,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said very carefully. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What the devil are you talking about?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I think it’s called the Internet,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s part of the human world. They talk there, but everything is in a language we can use. I think I could talk to them if I tried.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>How can you do that?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale asked, somewhat forlornly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I never figured it out.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I think I have that figured out too. Nicky said that thing about the “smart air conditioner”, so I looked for what that was. Some appliances nowadays can connect to the Internet. Like me, I guess. But it’s only really new ones.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said, more forlornly still. </span>
  <em>
    <span>So you can go off onto the Internet, but I can’t.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Guess so,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said. He hesitated. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You do know all that poetry and stuff that I don’t.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Can you tell me about the Internet?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale asked suddenly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Since I can’t see it for myself?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Yeah,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>And you tell me another one of those poems you like.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s a deal.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>~</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Aziraphale, have you seen Robert recently?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale thought for a minute. </span>
  <em>
    <span>No. I heard that he was going to university.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>What does that mean?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The humans do it when they’re nearly grownups, sometimes. They go to university, and then they’re not here as often.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>What do they do there?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t know. Do I look like a nearly grownup human to you?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley laughed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s just that you know so much, angel, I thought it a good chance that you’d know this too. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale’s consciousness caught on one part of that sentence and stayed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What did you just call me?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley abruptly sounded uncertain. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Angel?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Yes, that. Where did that come from?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley was silent for a long moment. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s on that metal plate on your gearbox. Seemed to fit.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Another silence, broken by Crowley, sounding even more hesitant now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Do you not like it?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I didn’t say that,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said quickly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I had just never thought of it before.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Very deliberately, he changed the subject. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I have heard that humans sometimes drink alcohol at university. It gets in the way of their studies.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He was a little hazy on what “studies” were, exactly, but the conversations he had overheard made it very clear which of the two university pastimes was considered more desirable by the parents. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You ever wonder what alcohol would be like?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley asked, apparently willing to go along with the subject change.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I’ve heard it doesn’t taste very good,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said, not-quite-answering the question.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Looks like great fun once you’ve done it, though, huh?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Sometimes,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale agreed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m sure it wouldn’t be good for our mechanics, though.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Probably not,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said ruefully. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Not like we could get ahold of any anyway. It’ll have to stay a dream.</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And with that, welcome to the ceiling fan AU, where our main characters are appliances and they love each other very much. Leave a comment if you have a chance! The second chapter will be up in the next day or two.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Blade 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Our protagonists get to know each other a little better, and settle into their tandem lives as ceiling fan and air conditioner. They are, of course, absolutely adorable.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The comments on the last chapter positively made my day. I'm so happy that people are enjoying this soft ridiculousness along with me, and entirely understand everyone who was wondering just <i>why</i> they're so invested in the happiness of an air conditioner and ceiling fan. Thank you all so much, and now have another chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>Why is one of your blades different?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley asked one day.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>What?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Your fan blades. One of them is lighter than the others.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said self-consciously. </span>
  <em>
    <span>That.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Broke, did it?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>No. Yes. Well, sort of.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale sighed, and his blades shook slightly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I gave it away.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You </span>
  </em>
  <span>what? Crowley sounded like he didn’t know whether to be shocked or delighted.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s a long story.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Not like I’m going anywhere. Tell.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It was back when I was new, and Adam and Eve Old owned the house,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale began, resigning himself, not unhappily, to another round of storytelling. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It gets awfully cold here in the winter — you’ll find out in a few months — and the house only had the fireplaces. One time there was a storm and they were running out of wood. I heard them worrying, right here in this very room, and, well, they had small children, and I thought, “well, I’m made of wood, aren’t I?”, so I loosened a blade.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Of course you did,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said, and he sounded almost admiring now. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Did it crack one of them on the head?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>No!</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale exclaimed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I dropped it to the floor very carefully — not like I was moving at the time, it being winter and all — and Adam looked at it for a while. I think he was trying to decide whether to reattach it, but I’d ripped up the bolt hole, you see-</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I do see,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said slowly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Angel, you’re-</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>So he couldn’t have attached it very easily anyway,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale rushed on, not quite ready to hear whatever Crowley might be about to say, </span>
  <em>
    <span>And they burned it to stay warm. And then later, when spring came around and they wanted a working fan again, they made a new one to replace it. Only it was a different kind of wood, so now I look like this.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He stopped, a little self-conscious.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Aziraphale, you are the kindest ceiling fan I’ve ever met,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said after a short silence.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m the only ceiling fan you’ve ever met,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said, not quite morosely.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And I don’t think I could have met a better one.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh, I daresay you could have,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said quickly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m rather old, after all, and set in my ways.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Set in your ways?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley laughed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You ask me every day if I’ve found something on the Internet, which didn’t even exist when you were made. You made friends with me, a very new style appliance whose whole purpose is to do your job better than you — which I don’t, by the way. You are the exact opposite of set in your ways.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale felt something pleasantly tingly in his gearbox. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You do do it better, though,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he pointed out. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You actually cool the air before blowing it.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And sometimes it’s too cold. You’ve got subtlety, Aziraphale. Shut up and let me compliment you.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You know I’m not good at that.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I’ll get you there yet, just watch me. Point is, that’s a lovely story and a very good reason to have a mismatched blade.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Thank you,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said, giving in at last. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m glad you don’t think it’s silly.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Yes, well,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>At least one of us is generous.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You would be if you got the chance,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said with conviction.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I would not,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley protested. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m selfish and flashy and- and new!</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Of course, dear,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said, and ignored the resulting indignant clicks and sputters from the wall.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There came a week where Aziraphale was hardly turned on at all. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s cooler, we don’t need the fan,” he heard one of the humans say to another, and his metaphorical heart sank. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It sank further when, day after day, Crowley was turned on with his cheery </span>
  <em>
    <span>beep,</span>
  </em>
  <span> and Aziraphale wasn’t even touched.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A part of him had worried that Crowley would rub it in, but the air conditioner did nothing of the sort. Instead, he talked of inconsequential things, and the only mention he made of his prioritization was to ask Aziraphale to recount stories of summers gone by, when he had been the only one cooling the room. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>One day Crowley somehow aimed his airflow at Aziraphale’s pull-chain, setting it swinging merrily. One of the humans, walking by, was whacked in the head. They grasped automatically and pulled. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Thank you, dear,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said as he started to spin.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Just didn’t want you moping anymore,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley retorted.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Of course.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t use that tone with me.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said, and dipped a blade in Crowley’s direction.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A few weeks later it cooled further, and then Crowley was the one who was no longer turned on. Try as he might, Aziraphale couldn’t manage to return the favor Crowley had given him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s all right,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m tired anyway.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But winter is coming,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale protested. </span>
  <em>
    <span>We won’t get turned on at all.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>What do you do then?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>People-watch,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said promptly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>When it’s cold they spend even more time inside, and they start doing all sorts of interesting things. You’ll see.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>This isn’t interesting,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley complained several weeks later. </span>
  <em>
    <span>This is annoying.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I did warn you,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said. He was watching in amusement as the children taped paper snowflakes to Crowley’s sleek black sides. There were already several on Aziraphale’s blades, as well as one stuck to the tartan charm on his pull-chain. </span>
  <em>
    <span>They do this every year. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley creaked forlornly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It doesn’t go with my style at all, does it.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>On the contrary,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said, feeling a little bad for the air conditioner. </span>
  <em>
    <span>The contrast is quite lovely.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Shut up.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Shan’t.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After the humans had gone, Aziraphale said, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Does it bother you so very much, dear?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s sticky,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>And I don’t know what it looks like.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale considered his options. Over the years he had learned that, if he expended rather a lot of effort, he could spin briefly without being officially switched on. If he planned his moves right…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Stay still,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>What choice do I have?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley retorted grumpily. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s not like I can exactly go gallivanting off.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You would if you could,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Now hush.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You don’t get to tell me what to do,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley grumbled. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Think you’re the boss of me just because you’ve been here longer. I can make as much noise as I want. I can-</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale tuned out the air conditioner, focusing instead on the mechanics and hardware in his gearbox. When he was sure he had a good grasp on what was going on, he twisted hard, making two fast rotations and sending a gust of air across the room. Two of the snowflakes that were stuck to Crowley loosened and went fluttering across the room, joined by several from Aziraphale’s own blades. He spun to a stop.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Did you just-</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley began, then stopped.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Better?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale asked. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley was silent for a moment, apparently taking stock of the situation. </span>
  <em>
    <span>There’s still one-</span>
  </em>
  <span> he paused- </span>
  <em>
    <span>Yes. Better.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Another pause. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Thanks.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Any time,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said, feeling pleased with himself. It would take him a few days to recover from that sort of energy burst, but it wasn’t like he’d be properly turned on for a while yet anyway, and it was worth it to hear that particular tone in Crowley’s voice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>How did you do that?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Practice.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale hesitated. </span>
  <em>
    <span>And a not insignificant amount of energy.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t tire yourself out on my account.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I can do what I want,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m a free fan.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You’re bolted to the ceiling.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>My </span>
  </em>
  <span>mind</span>
  <em>
    <span> is free.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley laughed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh, that’s going on Twitter.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Are there really people who read your twitters?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale asked, not for the first time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Lots. They think I’m a brilliant human comedian.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It really is rude, how they underestimate our intelligence.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Aren’t I supposed to be the young, idealistic one? And yet I’m the one reminding you that they don’t and never will even know that we can hear them.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I know.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’d only like you to get credit for your ideas, that’s all.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh, angel,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said happily. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You do care.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Heaven only knows why.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>My scintillating conversational skills, obviously.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Aziraphale,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said one day. His voice had the vaguely distant quality that meant he was either off viewing the Internet or had just gotten back from doing so.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>What?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I found a new thing.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh dear.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t “oh dear” me. It’s fine. It’s called Reddit.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Why do I think this is not going to be fine?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley stopped pretending to be serious and laughed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Because it’s not. It’s not at all. Oh, angel, you have no idea what the humans get up to on there. They’re so mean to each other, it’s hilarious.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t see how that is hilarious.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I know,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said a little more soberly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>If it helps, they’re really nice too. It’s like the full human experience, all on one website.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You said that about Tumblr.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Yeah, but Reddit is worse. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Do I want to know?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Probably not. Shall I tell you?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Yes,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said. He could never resist listening to Crowley talk about the things he found. They were both fascinated by humans, and while Crowley’s interest focused a little more to how impressively stupid they could be than Aziraphale’s, Aziraphale had yet to truly regret hearing something Crowley told him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So Crowley launched into his story, and Aziraphale listened, and made outraged noises at the appropriate moments, and generally had a wonderful time. When Crowley was finished. Aziraphale recited the next chapter of </span>
  <em>
    <span>Winnie-The-Pooh,</span>
  </em>
  <span> which was the book he was currently taking them through.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was a lovely afternoon.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I wish I could hug you,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said one day.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>What?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale asked, as though he hadn’t been thinking the same thing more and more often.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Never mind.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>No,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said quickly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Me too. It’s what you do with- with friends, right? At least, it’s what the humans do. And we’re friends, right?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Yeah, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Crowley said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>We’re friends.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I never thought I’d have a friend, really,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Not one that I got to keep. Most appliances are so portable. They never stick around long.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Not like I have a choice,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Bolted to the wall and all.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale felt suddenly dejected. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Of course not. I’m sorry if I-</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t know exactly where you’re going with this, but I already know it’s the wrong direction,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley interrupted. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What part of “we’re friends” did you not catch?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I just don’t want you to feel pressured,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale insisted. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Just because we share a room.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>don’t, Crowley said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Do I need to start listing your good traits?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>No, no,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m fine.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Your memory is amazingly detailed. You’re friendly. You’re beautiful.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Crowley!</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley started to laugh. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s all true, angel. You’re smart. You’re-</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I get your point.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>-dedicated.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Two could play at this game. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Well, what about you, then? You’re efficient. You’re clever. You’re-</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley stopped laughing. </span>
  <em>
    <span>This is unnecessary.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Is it? You’re funny. You’re so good at finding things on the Internet.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley raised his voice. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You’re determined, you’re…</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They lasted another few seconds before they both dissolved into giggles.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Thank you, my dear,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Told you it would help.</span>
  </em>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Chapter two complete! I hope you enjoyed. Comments are always welcome and appreciated. :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Blade 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>And here we start getting to some of the ideas that actually started me writing this story in the first place. Chapter three!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Polly, have we scheduled a servicing for the air conditioner yet?” Mina asked one day.</p><p>Her wife slapped her forehead. “No! I keep forgetting.”</p><p>“Need me to do it?”</p><p>“No, no, I will. Just have to write it down so I get a reminder.”</p><p><em> A servicing? </em> Crowley asked skeptically. </p><p>Aziraphale was equally baffled. <em> I have no idea. </em> He tried to unknot the ball of nerves that had suddenly settled in his core. <em> I’m sure it’s fine. </em></p><p>
  <em> That’s not very reassuring. I’m Googling it. </em>
</p><p><em> Be careful, </em> Aziraphale warned. <em> Don’t let it tell you you’re imminently going to die or something. </em></p><p>
  <em> That’s only for humans, angel, it’s fine. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Oh, very well. </em>
</p><p>There was a pause.</p><p><em> It’s to make sure I’m working properly, </em> Crowley said. With practice, he’d gotten much faster at finding what he wanted on the Internet. <em> Apparently air conditioners are “complex and prone to faults”. </em></p><p>
  <em> That doesn’t sound good. Do you feel all right? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I feel fine. I don’t need some human coming and poking at me with tools.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I don’t think it’s a choice we get to make. </em>
</p><p><em> I’ll blow air in their face, </em> Crowley mumbled mutinously. <em> Have you ever gotten a servicing? </em></p><p>
  <em> Sometimes one of our humans will come up and tighten a few screws, I suppose. I generally feel much more put-together afterwards. </em>
</p><p><em> Maybe they’ll dust me, </em> Crowley mused. <em> It’s like they don’t know how annoying it is to have dust in my gears. </em></p><p><em> I don’t think humans have gears, </em> Aziraphale said, as tactfully as he could. <em> Maybe that’s why they haven’t done it. </em></p><p><em> ‘S no excuse, </em> Crowley said, clearly ready to go back to grumbling. </p><p>
  <em> Are you going to be like this until the whole thing is over with? </em>
</p><p><em> Yes. </em> Crowley pondered for a second. <em> Well, probably. </em> His voice took on a teasing tone. <em> You could distract me. </em></p><p><em> I could also leave you to suffer, </em> Aziraphale pointed out.</p><p>Crowley gasped theatrically. <em> You wouldn’t! Such a betrayal, Aziraphale, I can’t believe you. </em></p><p><em> Oh, I would, </em> Aziraphale said as firmly as he could manage.</p><p><em> Lies, </em> Crowley declared. <em> Blatant untruths. You would never. </em></p><p>Aziraphale decided to stay silent for the time being. After a minute, Crowley spoke again.</p><p>
  <em> I give it five minutes before you give in. </em>
</p><p>Silence.</p><p>
  <em> I know you can ignore me, you don’t have to prove it. </em>
</p><p>Something in Crowley’s voice made Aziraphale change his mind about the whole thing. </p><p>
  <em> It’s more difficult to ignore you than you may think. </em>
</p><p><em> Oh. </em> Crowley’s voice was somehow even smaller now. <em> I can be quiet. </em></p><p>
  <em> That wasn’t my point. I just- oh, never mind. I’m sure the servicing is nothing to worry about. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> That’s my Aziraphale, ever the optimist. </em>
</p><p>Aziraphale felt a pleased tingle run through him at the phrase “my Aziraphale”. <em> One of us has to be, or the balance would be all off. </em></p><p>
  <em> What balance? </em>
</p><p><em> The </em> balance, Aziraphale said wisely. <em> It’s an abstract concept. </em></p><p><em> Ah, </em> Crowley said. <em> That balance. </em></p><p>
  <em> You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you? </em>
</p><p><em> Not a clue, </em> Crowley said cheerfully. <em> But you don’t either. </em></p><p>Aziraphale considered being affronted by this, but decided it wasn’t worth it. <em> It sounds nice, anyhow. And I am distracting you. </em></p><p><em> You are, </em> Crowley said, his voice taking on the low tone it only did when he was being sincerely affectionate. <em> Keep doing it. </em></p><p><em> Well, </em> Aziraphale said, entirely prepared to ramble about balances that neither of them understood all day if necessary, <em> It’s a tricky thing, balance. If I’m off-balance, for example, my blades could start nicking the ceiling, or putting undue stress on my screws.  </em></p><p><em> And we wouldn’t want you to get a screw loose, </em> Crowley said sagely. <em> Not another one, anyway. </em></p><p>Aziraphale began to huff, but it came out as a laugh. <em> Have you never heard of respecting your elders? </em></p><p><em> Never, </em> Crowley declared. <em> You were saying? </em></p><p>
  <em> Ah. Yes. Balance is what keeps everything in- in balance, you see. And it keeps things from getting hurt, or...where was I? Yes, keeping my screws tightened.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You have to know what that sounds like, angel. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Hush, you ridiculous thing. Keeping balance is our job, making sure the room isn’t too hot or too cold. And if we keep balance in all things, it makes it easier to do our job. </em>
</p><p><em> You’re making up every word of this as you go along, </em> Crowley commented.</p><p>
  <em> Do you have a complaint? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Nope. What were you saying about keeping balance in all things? </em>
</p><p>Aziraphale picked up the thread of his ramble and continued to wind through the topic. Crowley didn’t interrupt again, but Aziraphale could tell he was listening.</p><p>They didn’t mention “servicing” again that day.</p><p>~</p><p>It came up again. Of course it did. The humans would often spend weeks putting things off, but once one of them set their mind to it, the thing happened incredibly fast. Crowley and Aziraphale almost didn’t get any warning. If Aziraphale hadn’t been bored and stretching his hearing to its limits, he wouldn’t have heard the conversation at the breakfast table, two rooms over. </p><p>“Who’s home today? The air conditioner person is coming at three, and someone has to let them in.”</p><p>“I have gymnastics.”</p><p>“I was going grocery shopping.”</p><p>“I’m home.”</p><p>“So am I.”</p><p>“Good! As long as somebody is. Just make sure you’re listening for the doorbell.”</p><p>“Are there any pancakes left?”</p><p>“Don’t lick your plate!”</p><p>Aziraphale tuned out whatever came next and spoke urgently to the silent air conditioner on the wall. <em> Crowley! </em></p><p>There was a long pause, Crowley apparently being out exploring the new happenings on the Internet. Finally he said, <em> What? </em></p><p>
  <em> I heard them talking about a “servicing” again. Today, at three. </em>
</p><p>Crowley’s attention was suddenly and fully present. <em> They might give me some warning. </em></p><p><em> It would be nice, </em> Aziraphale agreed, <em> but they don’t think it’s necessary. </em></p><p>
  <em> Of course not. Do you know any more about what it’s going to be than we did before? </em>
</p><p><em> No, </em> Aziraphale said. <em> Not a thing. We’re just going to have to wait and see. </em></p><p>Crowley let out a disgruntled puff of air and didn’t reply. After a minute his air vent began to click nervously open and shut. Aziraphale wished there was something he could do to console the air conditioner, but he couldn’t think of anything. He understood Crowley’s nerves, of course. Humans didn’t often pay attention to them, and they never came to the house specifically to do so. Still, “wait and see” was the only course of action he could think of at that point.</p><p>Fifteen minutes later, Crowley’s air vent gave a particularly loud <em> clack </em> and went still. Before Aziraphale could ask if he was all right, a low rumble that Aziraphale recognized started up. </p><p>
  <em> Crowley, should you really use the self-clean when no one has turned it on? </em>
</p><p>Crowley made a noncommittal noise and continued to rumble. Aziraphale sighed.</p><p>After a few minutes, the cleaning cycle finished. There were several beats of silence, and then the rumble started up again. </p><p>
  <em> Crowley, are you — oh, what do the humans call it? — stress-cleaning? </em>
</p><p>Crowley made another disgruntled noise.</p><p><em> You’re not upset with me, are you? </em> Aziraphale asked, feeling slightly foolish and unable to keep himself from asking anyway.</p><p><em> No, </em> Crowley said with conviction.</p><p>The cleaning cycle finished.</p><p>Crowley started another one. </p><p>This time, Aziraphale stayed silent. He couldn’t help, and if this was helping Crowley focus on something besides anxiety, that was good.</p><p>When the sixth cleaning cycle began, Aziraphale snapped, <em> It will be all right! We just have to wait until this afternoon. </em></p><p><em> I hate waiting, </em> Crowley said over the noise. <em> Not a patient being, me. </em></p><p><em> That’s not a good characteristic in someone who’s bolted to the same wall day in and day out, </em> Aziraphale retorted. <em> Someone is going to hear you sooner or later, and then maybe they’ll think you have to be </em>fixed!</p><p>The rumble stopped abruptly.</p><p><em> Huh, </em> Crowley said, sounding surprised. <em> I didn’t know I could stop it in the middle. </em></p><p>Aziraphale didn’t know what to say to that.</p><p><em> Do you actually think it’ll be all right? </em>Crowley asked, and Aziraphale felt guilty for being so short a moment ago. The air conditioner sounded truly worried in a way Aziraphale didn’t think he’d ever heard. </p><p><em> Yes, </em> he said. <em> The humans don’t sound worried, do they? And the things you found on the Internet aren’t too worrying either. </em></p><p><em> No, they aren’t, </em> Crowley admitted.</p><p>
  <em> See? And maybe one of them will even come in and turn us on soon, to take your mind off things. It is rather warm in here. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> ~ </em>
</p><p>The actual servicing was almost anticlimactic. A woman with a toolbox came in, stood on a ladder, and poked at Crowley for a few minutes before pronouncing him in perfectly good condition, cleaning out his vent, and going on her way. The worst part was that she unplugged Crowley to do it, which Aziraphale found quite stressful. He knew that Crowley was still there somewhere, but without power he couldn’t respond when Aziraphale spoke to him. Aziraphale talked anyway, hoping that it would help if Crowley could hear him. </p><p>When the woman climbed down from her ladder, he asked, <em> Are you all right? </em></p><p>Crowley took a moment, apparently analyzing this. <em> Yeah. Not so bad, really. </em> After a moment he added, <em> You can say you told me so. </em></p><p><em> I have no need to gloat, </em> Aziraphale said primly. Then, more quietly, <em> I am glad. I was only guessing, really. </em></p><p><em> I don’t like the whole “being unplugged” bit, </em> Crowley mused. <em> But it is nice to be properly clean. </em></p><p><em> What, you didn’t run the self-clean enough times? </em> Aziraphale teased.</p><p><em> It’s just not the same, </em> Crowley retorted. <em> Not that you’d know, seeing as you don’t have one. </em></p><p><em> I, </em> Aziraphale said confidently, <em> am a simple machine with no need of complex cleaning procedures. Only a dustcloth run over my blades every so often. </em></p><p>
  <em> Nothing simple about your sass, angel. </em>
</p><p><em> I have had quite a lot of time to hone it, </em> Aziraphale pointed out. <em> Not that you’re so very far behind. You are quite the sassiest air conditioner I’ve ever met. </em></p><p>
  <em> Sas- I’m not sassy! I am- and you haven’t met any other air conditioners anyway! </em>
</p><p>Aziraphale laughed, beyond pleased to have given Crowley so many things to complain about that he couldn’t decide which one to talk about first. <em> It would be hard for anyone to outdo you. </em></p><p>
  <em> I guess I have to take that as a compliment. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You definitely do. </em>
</p><p>There was a silence.</p><p><em> I guess it won't be so bad, </em> Crowley said finally. <em> Which is good, because if the Internet is right- </em></p><p><em> Which it always is, of course, </em> Aziraphale put in.</p><p>
  <em> -I’ll be getting more of these over the years. Have to stick around to keep you company, right? </em>
</p><p>Aziraphale would have liked to say something then, but something large and happy in his gearbox kept the words from materializing. Crowley would understand, though. He always did.</p><p>~</p><p><em> He’s new, </em> Crowley commented. His voice held a tinge of nervousness that it had mostly lost over the years. The air conditioner servicings were mundane, for the most part. The woman with a toolbox came in, unplugged Crowley, poked around, plugged him back in, and left. It had gotten so Aziraphale hardly worried at all anymore during the time Crowley couldn’t speak. It was always all right in the end.</p><p><em> Yes, </em> he said now, trying to keep the new worry out of his voice. <em> Perhaps the other woman is ill. </em></p><p>Crowley didn’t respond. Aziraphale guessed that all his attention was on the strange human in front of them, and that he was worrying. Aziraphale would have liked to blow a breeze at his friend, or swing his chain, or <em> something </em> to remind Crowley that he was there and supportive, but there were too many humans around. Aziraphale couldn’t risk it.</p><p>The man looked slightly unsure, standing with his toolbox in his arms and talking to Polly. </p><p>“Yes, I’m new to the company,” he was saying. “Last job didn’t work out — I’m not very good with computers — and my friend told me of an opening here.”</p><p>“Oh, that’s lovely,” Polly said. “Are you liking it, then?”</p><p>“So far,” the man replied. </p><p>There was a silence.</p><p>“I’ll just get to work then, shall I?”</p><p>“Oh, yes,” Polly said. “I expect you know far more of what you’re doing than I do, and I do have a few other things to attend to, so I’ll just be stepping out.”</p><p>The man made a noise of assent and began to unfold his ladder.</p><p><em> Aziraphale, </em> Crowley said nervously.</p><p><em> Yes, </em> Aziraphale said instantly. <em> I’m here. It’s all right. </em></p><p><em> Are you sure? </em> Crowley asked. <em> I don’t know if he knows what he’s doing. </em></p><p><em> I’m sure he does, </em> Aziraphale said, though he was not.</p><p><em> You’re lying to me. </em> Crowley sounded almost hurt. <em> Don’t. Not now. </em></p><p><em> It will be all right, </em> Aziraphale repeated, instead of addressing that specifically. <em> It always is. It was the first time, and you didn’t know her back then either. </em></p><p><em> You’re right. </em> Crowley began to sigh, then abruptly cut it off before the air could escape and frighten the human. <em> Well, </em> he said as the man reached for his cord. <em> Talk to you in a few minutes. </em></p><p><em> I’ll be right here, </em> Aziraphale assured.</p><p>The man pulled the plug out of the wall. Aziraphale realized he was swinging his blades nervously back and forth, just a tiny bit. He forced himself to stop. </p><p>The man opened up Crowley’s air vent, checked for things loose where they shouldn’t be, all the normal things that Aziraphale had grown accustomed to seeing. Aziraphale began to relax. </p><p>Finally the man closed everything back up and plugged Crowley back in. </p><p><em> Hello, dear, </em> Aziraphale said.</p><p><em> Hi, </em> Crowley replied, sounding a little sleepy. </p><p>“Now just to check…” the man murmured to himself, and switched Crowley on.</p><p>There was a crash. Aziraphale’s blades shook in alarm. </p><p>And then Crowley was gone. No trace of him was left. Only a stretch of empty wall where Aziraphale's friend had been only moments before.</p><p><em> Crowley! </em> Aziraphale screamed.</p><p><em> What, </em> Crowley’s voice said, <em> the fuck. </em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>:)</p><p>Comments welcome!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Blade 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>In which things change. But the important ones stay the same.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>What happened to Crowley at the end of the last chapter? Let's see! </p>
<p>This is the last full-length chapter, and then there's a short epilogue.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Aziraphale looked down.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley was not on the floor either, alive or in pieces. There was only the air conditioner repairman, standing stock still and looking rather terrified, and…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Another human, with red hair, black clothes, and a very confused expression, was sprawled on the floor underneath where Crowley had been. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale shuddered, and his gears rattled. He realized, abruptly, that he had no idea what he would do without Crowley. The idea of being alone again was terrifying.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Something clicked in his mind. Crowley’s voice. He’d heard Crowley’s voice </span>
  <em>
    <span>after he fell.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Why was there another human all of a sudden?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The human made a groaning noise, as though they were in pain, and tried to sit up. Their limbs flopped around, and they gave up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Why is everything so wobbly?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley’s voice complained.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For a second, Aziraphale was frozen. He couldn’t speak. If he had been switched on, he was fairly certain he would have stopped mid-spin. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then he said, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Crowley?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Angel?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Crowley! What happened?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t know. It hurts. I’m all wobbly.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The human opened their eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Ow, ouch, it’s bright!</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Crowley,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said very carefully. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I think you’ve turned into a human.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I’ve turned into what now?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The human- Crowley- human-Crowley opened his eyes again and awkwardly waved a hand in front of his face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Yup,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said after a pause. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The repairman seemed to come out of a daze. “Oh no,” he said miserably. “Nothing like </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> has ever happened before!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley’s head snapped around to look at the man. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s you!</span>
  </em>
  <span> he said urgently. Then, </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s him! He must have done it! Maybe he can change you!</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Into a human?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale asked, abruptly terrified. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m a fan! I don’t know how-</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And I’m an air conditioner,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said, </span>
  <em>
    <span>but now I’m this too. I don’t know how or why, but something has happened and I don’t want to do it alone.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale didn’t want to be left alone, either. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Can he do it? How? </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley made a grumbly noise and tried to stand up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He fell over.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Legs never looked so complicated,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he complained.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Before Aziraphale could reply, Crowley had flung himself across the floor, grabbing the table and hauling himself upright.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The man yelped and took a few steps back. Crowley made a few unintelligible </span>
  <em>
    <span>whrrr</span>
  </em>
  <span> noises and pointed emphatically at Aziraphale.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Can’t you speak to him?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Mouths are weird too, apparently,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said, and pointed at Aziraphale again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The man looked between them with wide eyes. “I’ve already messed up enough,” he said. “I don’t think I should touch anything else.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley made a strangled noise of frustration and pushed himself forcibly to his feet. He swayed, but stayed up long enough to yank Aziraphale’s pull-chain and point at the man.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He pulled a little too hard for comfort, but Aziraphale decided not to tell him so just now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The man stood frozen for a moment longer, then hesitantly walked over and took up the chain. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I feel like this is a bad idea,” he said, and pulled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For a split second, Aziraphale was airborne. He saw the human jump out of the way, muttering something under his breath, and then he landed. On top of Crowley. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Caught you,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think I need to sit down,” the repairman said, and did. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale realized that his blades were decidedly more bendy than they should- no. No, those were human limbs. Whatever had happened to Crowley had clearly happened to him as well. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Are you okay?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale took a deep breath, the cool air rushing through his head feeling strange yet calming, and said, </span>
  <em>
    <span>I think so.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He looked around. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Now what?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Uh,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Crowley!</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale suddenly cried. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What are the humans going to do when they realize what’s happened?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Uh,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said again. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I may not have thought this through.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Neither of us did,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said, scrupulously honest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You know what we </span>
  </em>
  <span>can</span>
  <em>
    <span> do now?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>What?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I can finally hug you. Once you get off of me.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh!</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said happily. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You’re right! </span>
  </em>
  <span>He analyzed his options for “getting off of Crowley”, and finally threw himself awkwardly sideways. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh dear,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he said a moment later, sprawled on the floor. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Even the human babies never made limbs look quite this hard.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>No kidding.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley lurched as though he was trying to sit up, then seemed to give up and reached an arm out for Aziraphale. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Bet we can do it without sitting up.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale turned his head to look Crowley up and down, then wiggled closer until he could throw an arm across Crowley’s waist. Crowley’s arm landed on top of Aziraphale’s shoulders and tightened, pulling him closer.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Is this how it works?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Dunno,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley sounded almost sleepy. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘S nice, anyway.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale buried his face in Crowley’s chest. </span>
  <em>
    <span>A little warm, maybe.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Yeah,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley agreed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Soft, though.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Very.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was a soft noise from the human behind them, and Aziraphale could just glimpse him standing up. “I’ll just be going, I think. You two...have a good day.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale tried to give a nice farewell, but all he managed was a grunting noise. Oh dear. Human throats were much more complicated than his usual way of speaking.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Aziraphale,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said suddenly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>How are we going to get out before the humans notice us?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh dear,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>That is going to be a problem.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>What if we go with him?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley asked suddenly, and made a loud noise. The human stopped moving toward the door. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>We can’t impose like that,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale protested. </span>
  <em>
    <span>And besides, what are the people here going to do if we go? I’ve been with them so long-</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>We’re human-shaped now,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley pointed out. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Can’t really spin on the ceiling anymore.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He pushed out of Aziraphale’s arms and sat up, wobbling precariously, but staying upright enough to make a series of complicated gestures at the human. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s not going to work,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said testily, sitting up himself. His head swam, and he fell over again. </span>
  <em>
    <span>We shall have to learn to speak like him.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I have an idea,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said in response, and went still.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After a brief moment of worry, Aziraphale recognized the particular quality of silence as the one Crowley got when he was accessing the Internet. That was all right, then.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The man’s phone dinged.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>There,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said, and pointed at the phone. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The man hesitantly opened it and looked at the screen. Then at the man-shaped beings on the floor. Back at the screen. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You want to go with me?” he asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley and Aziraphale nodded vigorously.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How did you- what are- you aren’t going to hurt me, are you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Vigorous headshaking.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>As if!</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said indignantly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>When I’ve spent over a century serving humanity as well as I am able.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>What does he think we’ll do, trip over him?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said wryly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>No coordination here, nope.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The man looked up. He seemed to sigh a little.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What,” he asked the ceiling, “is my life?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale supposed he received a satisfactory answer, because he stepped forward and reached out for Crowley’s arm. “If you can’t walk on your own you’re going to have to go one at a time,” he informed them. “I’m not </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> strong.” He hauled Crowley up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>What does he mean, one at a time?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale asked suddenly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Am I going to be left here?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Not if I can help it,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said grimly, and dragged his feet until the man stopped and Crowley could point back at Aziraphale.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I said one at a time,” the man said, a shade irritably. “I’ll come back for him.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You can go first if you want,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley offered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And how would we communicate that, exactly?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale asked. </span>
  <em>
    <span>No, you go.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m Newt, if that helps,” the man said. “Stranger danger, and all that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale wished he were better at human facial expressions. “Politely confused” was a little beyond him thus far.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I’ll throw a royal hissyfit if he doesn’t come back for you,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley assured. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Rattly air vent and everything.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You don’t have an air vent anymore, Crowley.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was a pause.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>This is going to take some getting used to,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said finally.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You’re telling me,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said with feeling. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’ve been a fan for-</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay,” the man said. “I don’t know who you are or what happened, but if you want my help, you’re going to have to work with me a little here.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley reluctantly let himself be hauled away. Aziraphale watched them go. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was strange how while he was technically more mobile now than ever before, at that moment he thought he had never felt more trapped.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The man — Newt — returned after all. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your friend is in the van,” he said. “Making weird noises. Is he quite all right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale moved his shoulders in his best attempt at the </span>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t know</span>
  </em>
  <span> gesture he’d often seen humans use. Were either of them all right? What was happening, really? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Are you okay?</span>
  </em>
  <span> he asked Crowley. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley’s voice in his mind was faint, but there. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Yup. It’s super bright out here! It hurts a little, honestly. This place is softer than the floor. He came back for you?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Yes,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said, and then anything further he might have been considering saying was pushed out of his mind by the extreme difficulty of keeping his feet once Newt had pulled him up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Step by awkward step, they made their way toward the door. Aziraphale wondered how none of the other humans had noticed the debacle, before that thought too was swept away by more immediate, physical matters. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Outside the house </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> bright. Aziraphale closed his eyes against it, then opened them quickly as his foot hit a rough patch of ground. Newt seemed relieved to have gotten this far, and a few more steps took them to a blue box, that he opened the door of and all but shoved Aziraphale in. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Crowley!</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said happily as he tumbled inside — and yes, it was soft, Crowley had been right.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh, thank something,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale landed nearly </span>
  <em>
    <span>on</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley, still unsure of how to deal with these limbs that were so much more floppy than what he was used to. Crowley, for his part, was sitting sprawled across the sofa-like seat. He half caught Aziraphale tumbling in, arms folding around the fan in a movement that was related to, but not quite, the way they had hugged earlier, on the floor. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They sat there for a moment, quite still, analyzing their new surroundings. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The door banged shut in front of Aziraphale, and one opened on the other side of the wall in front of him. Then Newt appeared.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t suppose there’s somewhere you’d like me to drop you?” he asked. “I’m not really stocked to have guests, but…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale would have liked to say one of the polite things he’d heard human guests say to their hosts, like </span>
  <em>
    <span>we wouldn’t want to be a bother,</span>
  </em>
  <span> or </span>
  <em>
    <span>oh certainly, just to the bus station,</span>
  </em>
  <span> but his mouth still didn’t want to form words. Besides, he wasn’t all that sure that a bus station was, and it seemed like a bad idea to go off to find one without any idea what he was getting into. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Newt seemed to give up a little. “I’m guessing that’s a no. Which makes sense, since I don’t think you two get out much. Fine, come on home with me. I have a mattress I can put down somewhere and we’ll figure it out from there.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley made a noise like something had gotten stuck in his fan, and Aziraphale twisted to look up, worried. Seeing him, Crowley patted — slightly awkwardly — at Aziraphale’s face in a clear admonishment not to worry and said, “Hanks.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Newt jumped and looked back at them. Then he relaxed. “You’re welcome.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Good job!</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said, impressed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He knew what you meant!</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The mouth is going to take some work,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said, </span>
  <em>
    <span>but I think we can do it. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale started to reply, but the floor seemed to move under him, and he sat up in alarm. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s all right,” Newt said. “It’s just a car. It’ll move while I drive.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m used to being the one moving,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale commented.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Wow,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>This thing goes </span>
  </em>
  <span>fast!</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale looked out the window. Trees and buildings and other cars were flashing by nearly faster than he could see them. It was a little dizzying. He closed his eyes and leaned back against Crowley.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Think I can learn to drive one?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley asked. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I bet I can. I could go so fast! I’d go faster than anybody else!</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>First you have to learn to walk,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aziraphale said quellingly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Yeah.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crowley squeezed him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>We can do it, though.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aziraphale made a humming noise. It was comfortingly similar to the noise of the refrigerator back at the house, so he made it again. Then he snuggled further into Crowley’s arms and let the car take him on to their new adventure.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Onto new adventures indeed! What do you think?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Blade 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>And here we have the epilogue, a little scene to fill in a gap or two.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Mina reached her favorite chair and was settling into it before she looked up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something wasn’t right.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She looked up again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nicky,” she asked the boy sprawled on the sofa. “Where is the fan?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“On the ceiling?” he suggested, and looked up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both stared at the empty ceiling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Polly wandered in, stopping abruptly a few steps inside the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mina?” she asked. “Where’s the air conditioner?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>~</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There weren’t even any holes in the ceiling where the fan came down,” Mina told the rapt guests, pouring another round of tea. “Just- one day they were there, the next they weren’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never trust an appliance that’s older than your family’s memory,” one of the guests said sagely, and everyone nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then, like all afternoon visiting conversations, this one moved on, to a cat that had recently taken up residence in someone’s gutter.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you all for reading this ridiculous comedy thing that I somehow wrote. I very much enjoyed writing it, and I've loved all your comments. I do have more ideas for where our now-human protagonists will go, which is why this is listed as the beginning of a series. So keep an eye on that if you're interested in the further adventures of Azirafan and Crowley-conditioner! There will be many fun things there.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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